If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
