I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
