you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
