3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
