Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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