They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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