I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
