ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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