I'm really into asian looking animals
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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