Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
pop tarts are not kleenex
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
