Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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