I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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