He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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