I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
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Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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