just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
