The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
