why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
