the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
