Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she told me i tasted like america
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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