Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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