Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
