it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
