I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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