if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
