Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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