nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
