When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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