he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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