i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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