9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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