So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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