Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
