Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
