Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
