What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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