Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
