You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So vagazzling was a success
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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