Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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