I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
