There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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