Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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