so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
