Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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