she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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