Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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