im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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