I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
