I am puke
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
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Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
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I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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