i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
