Jerry, you need to find god
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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