I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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