I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
