She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
