I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
