I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
