I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
