youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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