I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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