I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
