alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
